“Hey! Why’d you bite my ankle?”
“You just stepped on me!”
“I didn’t mean to.”
“How was I ‘spozed to know that?”
“Well, what were you doing sprawled out on the trail?”
“Sunning myself. I’m cold blooded you know.”
“Couldn’t you find a better place?”
“Why should I? It’s a free open space.”
“Can’t you get warm some other way?”
“What do you mean? Like slithering down to Starbucks or the Plank for a cup of coffee?”
“Perhaps.”
“I don’t have any hands you know. So I don’t have the faculties to pick up a cup of coffee. Then there’s the whole money thing…”
“So you hang out on the trail to warm up.”
“I hang out in sunny spots to warm up. I can’t tell if it’s a trail. Besides, I warned you.”
“Warned me? How?”
“Didn’t you hear my rattle? That’s why you people call me a rattlesnake. My real name is Crotalus viridis. You could call me ‘Crotee.’ But no…”
“I didn’t hear any warning.”
“Didn’t you…”
“I had my earbuds in.”
“Earbuds? What are earbuds?”
“These things. You can put them in your ears and then you can listen to music or talk radio or podcasts.”
“On this glorious day? On a morning walk? With all this stuff to see and hear going on around you? Why on earth would you do that?
“Ummm… Because…”
“Because why? I’d shrug my shoulders if I had any shoulders.”
“Because…”
“Okay. I get it. You’re out here walking – listening to earbuds – and not paying attention when you damn-near crush me. Look, I’ve got a brain half the size of a green pea but I find it more than disconcerting that you people call me the stupid animal.”
“I never called you stupid animal. I might have called you mean, though. Even vicious.”
“Vicious? Because you stepped on me and I reacted the way nature intended?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, nature intended me to simply slither away from danger, but you didn’t give me the chance, Mr. Waffle-Stomper.”
“Sorry.”
“Look, I don’t have particularly good ears myself but I could sense you were coming.”
“How so?”
“My flicking tongue acts as a smeller and my belly can feel the ground vibrate. As soon as I felt you coming, I rattled. It’s an instinct. A reptilian instinct. Pretty basic survival stuff.”
“Well, I’m sorry I stepped on you.”
“Well now, sorry doesn’t quite cut it at this point, does it?”
“I suppose not. And now my is ankle hurting. A lot.”
“And you’re looking kinda clammy. You should wrap that tight with a bandana or something and hobble down the hill to get some help before you start to hallucinate.”
“Hallucinate?”
“Yeah, hallucinate. If you don’t get some attention real soon, you’ll begin to think you can talk to snakes.”
© 2026
Church of the Open Road Press
